"Rules of Labor and Delivery"

1. Don't ask me if my wheel can tell you if you got knocked up on the 15th or the 16th. That's too close to have 2 partners anyway.
2. Don't come into the hospital in the middle of the night because you've been throwing up for a week - and then ask me to get you something to eat.
3. If you fight with your boyfriend and need a little TLC, go to his mother's house, not the labor unit.
4. When I ask the patient a question, that's who I want the answer from. I don't need her mother to tell me when she last had sex.
5. Open your damn legs. If you were a virgin, you wouldn't be here.
6. Shave. If we wanted a trip to the jungle - we'd go there.
7. The fewer visitors you have with you - the better mood your nurse will be in.
8. Get rid of that one "know it all" visitor before it's too late. She can ruin the entire experience for you by pissing me off.
9. Hard labor doesn't just stop with one bag of IV fluids. We know a faker when we hydrate one.
10. If you have track marks on your arms, no you can not go outside and smoke with your IV. What do you think we are? Stupid?
11. Don't scream. We hate screamers. It gets on our nerves and we just sit at the desk looking at each other and grinning and making faces. It's definitely not to your advantage.
12. If you don't have custody of your three other kids, chances are you won't go home with this one either. We are calling Social Service. That's our job.